


Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

by deadlegato



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27592772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/deadlegato
Summary: Sir Pentious and the author make a series of bad decisions. Who knew that trying to impress Arackniss' dad would cause so many problems??  [Not a self-insert]
Relationships: Arackniss/Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 32





	1. The Look

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_write_badfic_not_tragedies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_write_badfic_not_tragedies/gifts).



> AHEM! Just so you know, I don’t have the next part of Snake Eyes and Sinners ready to publish, so instead you get this crackfic I wrote on request for a friend. (Posted with their permission) It’s... uh... unique? Completely not in line with the other fics I’ve been putting up lately, but uses some of my same headcanon.

When Baxter entered the dining area to get breakfast, he found Sir Pentious was already there, face-down on the table, making a high-pitched whining sound. 

"Why such a long face, snake? Normally you've just got a long body." 

"I'm not in the mood to fight with you, Baxter," the sad snake sniffed. 

"Not in the mood to... this must be serious." 

"I just wish Niss could tell his dad about us. I want to… to do SOMETHING about it! But Niss told me not to. Says I'll do something rash. When have I ever been known to act without thinking?" 

Baxter just answered with a snort, getting his own cup of coffee. “Gee, too bad I can’t help you there.” 

"Wait, Baxter, my old friend!" the snake said, clamping his hands on the startled fish's shoulders. "If I could be a woman for a week, I could meet his father without any problems!” 

"... What?" 

"You made a pill that turned me turquoise and magenta for an hour! Surely you can make a pill that could temporarily give me the outward appearance and scent of a female snake! Just long enough to convince his dad that everything is... on the level," he said, putting his usual air quotes around on the level. 

"Changing the chromophores in skin or scales is vastly different from changing one organ to another!... And don't call me Shirley. Even if I could, why would I want to help YOU?" 

"Because you could then claim you proved chemistry was superior to mechanical engineering?" the snake asked, giving him puppy-noodle eyes. 

"...You son of a bitch. I'm in. But remember, I am NOT responsible for anything that happens as a result of this. Especially if I can't turn you back afterwards.” 

. 

“This is a mixture of succubus blood with some reaper mixed in to stabilize it. I found a source on the internet that said they used this to turn their boyfriend into a girlfriend,” Baxter explained as he injected it. 

“How long does it take to kick in?” the snake asked, rubbing the sore spot on his arm. 

“I’m not sure. I’ve never exactly tried this before; I just got the instructions online. I guess just… wait and see?” 

Pentious wondered if he really should put his faith in Baxter, 

He slithered down the stairs, planning to check if he’d gotten any mail and get a snack. Just to add to his bad mood, Angel had Cherri over again. With how often she visited, she might as well just live there. “Hey Edgelord,” she called. 

“Yes, Edgelord, a completely unique name to call me that I have never heard before,” he grumbled as he dug around in the pantry. 

“Someone’s a grumpy old man today,” Cherri noted. 

“Ugh. Do you know which cabinet the little fish shaped crackers are in?” 

“To your left. Seriously, what’s eating you?” Angel asked. “I know you’re normally cranky, but you seem extra-cranky today.” 

“Nothing is eating me, but in a moment, I’m going to be eating these crackers. I…” his face suddenly felt funny, and he realized he had to sneeze. “Excuse me,” he said, turning away from them and politely covering his face with his elbow. 

The force of the sneeze was enough that it blew him right off his scales, laying him flat on the ground and scattering fish crackers everywhere. “Whoa, Edgelord, you okay? You didn’t just sneeze your brain out, did… Holy fuck,” Cherri said, staring down, her hand extended as if to help him up. 

“Holy fuck, what?” the snake sniffled, rubbing his face. 

“Look at the fucking size of those snitties!” 

“Look at the what of the what?” he asked, looking down. His shirt and completely blown open, and very large, prominent breasts were half-exposed from under the fabric. 

Baxter raised his head when he heard Pentious scream. The solution must have worked. 

. 

“Ha ha ha ha,” Cherri laughed, tears pouring out of her one eye. “I think they’re bigger than mine, Edgelord! 

He had hastily acquired a towel from the kitchen and fashioned it into a makeshift top. “This doesn’t… none of this makes sense! I’m not a mammal, so why would I grow mammary glands?!” 

“It must be the fact that we used succubus blood to create the injection solution,” Baxter frowned. 

“Damn, you’re going to get arrested at the supermarket for smuggling melons.” 

“I GET IT, I HAVE BIG… TRACTS OF LAND!” he shouted angrily. 

“Why the heck were you injecting yourself with succubus blood anyway?” Angel asked incredulously. 

“Ah, well, I… sort of… thought that maybe if I looked like a lady, I could meet your father without him asking questions about my relationship with your brother!” 

“For Lucifer’s sake, Pent, Niss specifically told you NOT to do something stupid like… like this!” 

“It is not stupid! And it’s only temporary until… could you not do that?” he asked Cherri, who was bouncing his chest and making boing-boing sound effects. 

“I can’t help it, they’re so bouncy! It’s like they’re hypnotic!” 

“If you grew tits, does that mean you also…” Angel started, his gaze trailing down to the snake’s pelvis, which Pentious immediately covered with one hand. 

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t looked yet!” 

“… But you’d really be willing to lose not only one, but two dicks, for my brother? He must be one HELL of a fuck.” 

“This is only meant to be temporary!” he screamed back, flicking his tongue at her. 

“…Are you wearing mascara, or did your eyelashes also get super-thick?” Angel asked, studying the huffing and puffing snake. 

“Why in the blue blazes is everyone shouting in…” Alastor entered the room and came to a dead stop. They thought they might have actually broken him when he started making a “PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFT” noise, before the laugh track sound effect broke out. 

Pentious glared at him. “Yes, yes, snake with big breasts very funny. Is an entire laugh track really necessary?” he shouted at the snickering Radio Demon. “Stop it! Stop laughing, or… I’ll touch you with them!” 

“You wouldn’t dare!” 

“Try me!” the snake threatened, squishing them together and advancing on the Radio Demon. 

“Keep those things away from me. Respect the five-foot rule!” 

“Big scary Radio Demon’s afraid of the snitties!” Angel laughed. 

“We have to take you shopping for clothes and make-up!” Cherri cried, grabbing the snake’s arm and interrupting him before he could make Alastor mad enough to do something the snake would regret. “Make over time!” 

“Wait! I can’t go shopping with a towel for a shirt!” 

. 

“… I’m not sure if this is better,” Pentious frowned, having been given an extra shirt from Cherri. If you could call it a shirt, with all the holes in it. He was worried he was going to pop out inappropriately, despite not actually having nipples. He was glad he didn’t have eyes where they should have been. That would have made wearing clothing… annoying. 

“We should go bra shopping first, otherwise you’re going to get one heck of back ache, and you’re all back. You do know what a bra is, right?” Cherri asked. 

“Of course, I’m not THAT old fashioned! But I’d be more comfortable with a corset regardless. It’s what I’m familiar with.” 

“Good thing Velvet’s Secret sells them both,” Cherri said, pushing the reluctant snake forward. She wasn’t stopping to give him a choice in the matter. 

“Clothing off, tits out, measuring tape up,” Cherri grinned after pushing the snake into a fitting booth. 

“I… I am not getting naked in front of you!” the snake argued, arms crossed firmly across his chest. 

“Why not? It’s just us girls. How are we going to find something that fits if we don’t know your size?” 

“…If this ends up on your… what do you call it… social media? I will…” 

“There’s no need for that. I wouldn’t take a picture of someone in the changing room. Now come on, let me see those honkers.” The snake was completely red in the face while she messed around with the measuring tape. “Damn, you beat me by an inch. It’d be funny if this the only thing you ever beat me at.” 

“Can I put some clothing back on please?” 

“Just a second! Hey, Angel, can you grab me a bunch of size…” 

He grabbed her. “Don’t shout my… breast size… to everyone in the store!” 

“Okay, okay, fine, I’ll text him. Don’t freak out on me, I’m not taking a picture.” 

. 

“Hold still or you’re going to have smudgey eyeliner and a mascara wand in your eye,” Angel ordered. 

“But I do not approve of this!” the snake fussed as the clerk at the Seuphoria store worked on a make-up demonstration. “And this dress is too… tight…” he squirmed. 

“It’s a classic little black dress, I don’t know how you can have a problem with it.” 

“My problem is with the emphasis on the little,” he said, trying to pull it down to cover more of his tail. 

“You don’t normally wear pants, why are you so concerned with your hemline?!” 

“There, finished!” The clerk said. 

“You sure clean up purdy little lady,” Cherri mocked. 

“Hardy-hardy.” 

“She’ll take everything you demoed,” Angel said, handing over Pentious’ credit card. He immediately patted his pockets only to realize his dress didn’t have any. His wallet was still in his coat, which Angel was holding. “Yeah, you’re going to need a purse too,” Angel snickered. 

“All I want to do is impress your father so he’ll leave me and your brother alone,” the snake whimpered. “This is too much!” 

“Hey, don’t cry! I can’t remember if they used the waterproof stuff on you or not!” 

. 

“I feel stupid,” the snake grumbled, following angrily behind the cyclops and the spider. 

“Come on, you look great. Here, test it out. There’s a group of snakes coming our way. See what happens when you catch their eye!” 

Pentious frowned. He didn’t… tend to get along with other snakes. In fact, when they approached, he instinctively hissed and flared his hood. Terror spread across the lead snake’s face when they recognized him. “FUCK! IT’S A MANEATER! RUN!” he screamed, fleeing for his life. 

“Fuck was that about?” Cherri asked in confusion. 

“Really? We’ve been rivals all this time and you don’t even know my species?! I’m insulted!” 

“…Um, you’re a cobra.” 

“A KING cobra.” She looked at him blankly, and he shook his head in disgust at her ignorance. “I eat other snakes. I mean, they’re not ALL I eat, obviously, but if we’re strictly going with our natural animalistic diets…” 

“Holy shit, you mean you’re a cannibal like Al?” Angel asked. 

“No! King cobras aren’t true cobras, so it’s more like… well, would you call a hawk a cannibal for eating a pigeon?” he asked. Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. King cobras were known to be cannibalistic to others of their own kind, especially larger members towards smaller ones. He just had personally never eaten another king. 

“Hang on, hang on, according to the internet, only juvenile king cobras are black and yellow. You’re not fully grown?! How big will you be when you’re done?? Maybe you’ll eventually grow into those snitties,” Angel laughed. 

“Stop calling them snitties!” 

“You want me to call them snoobs instead?” 

“I don’t want you to call them anything! I’m not keeping them! Can we just go back to the hotel now? I’m hungry and I’m cold. What’s the point in wearing clothing that doesn’t cover your shoulders or arms?!” 

“You’re really not getting this, are you? Guess we’ll have to demonstrate,” Angel said, fully fluffing his chest up. “Follow our lead. Cherri: Bad bitch mode, engaged.” 

“Disengaging sexual overdrive safety. Clear the area and prepare to encapsulate male gaze. Strike a pose. Vogue queued on playlist.” 

“Step. Strut.” 

There WAS a certain appeal to not just walking through the mall but plowing through the crowd like they owned the place. This was the kind of respect he wanted from other demons. Pentious had a bit of trouble keeping up, as the other two were wearing boots that were made for walking, and he obviously… wasn’t. Heads turned and hungry eyes followed as a few wolf whistles escaped and angry girlfriends turned their purses into blunt force weapons. 

A guy with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth tried to stop them to talk, but Angel just snatched the cigarette away and kept walking while smoking it himself. “You see what I’m trying to tell you? When you’ve got The Look, you can get away with murder. Here, watch this.” 

There was a line outside a popular restaurant, and a male demon working the host stand. “Reservation for Angel.” 

“… I’m sorry, I don’t see a reservation for Angel.” He needed to get an initial read on what the guy at the stand preferred, and distinctly noticed the guy’s eyes going straight to his chest. 

“Really? Because I swear, I heard my friend Pen here making the reservation on her phone!” he said, pushing the busty snake forward. The guy’s eyes were nearly bulging out of his head. “Could you look again? It says Angel. Party of three. We’d hate to have to go somewhere else.” 

“Oh… OH! There it is! My mistake! Your table is actually ready, come right in!” 

“… He only seated us so he could look down my top,” Pentious noted in annoyance once the host was out of earshot. 

“True, but would you rather have waited in line? Hey, when he comes around again to ask if we’re enjoying our meal, accidentally drop something in your snoobs. Give him a tip for his good work.” 

“Now that we’ve dined with debauchery, can we go home?” Pentious asked when they were done eating. Of course, he’d noticed Angel using his card to pay. 

“Fine, I have to work tonight anyway,” Angel agreed. “Can’t exhaust the sexy supply too early.” 

. 

“… Pent, I love you, but sometimes you are such an idiot,” Arackniss groaned when he stopped by the hotel later that evening. 

“But this solves our problems! We can meet your dad, and he will be none-the-wiser!” Pentious encouraged. 

“But I care about you for… you! I don’t want you to change yourself for me!” 

“I wanted to do this for you, because you mean so much to me!” 

“This is the weirdest retelling of the Gift of the Magi I’ve ever seen,” Alastor noted sarcastically. “They really should stop messing with the classics.” 

Arackniss gave him a sharp look. “Let’s go somewhere where the walls have fewer ears to finish talking.” Once they were out of earshot, he got straight down to business. “Do you suppose that… since you’re currently in that body ANYWAY… Just for once… we might try…?” 

He didn’t have to finish that sentence, as he got a passionate kiss from the snake before he could. 

. 

“Lucifer on the throne of Hell. I didn’t know they could DO that,” Arackniss panted. 

“Did you just admit you’ve never made your past girlfriends climax before?” the sleepy snake teased. 

“… Yeah… you see… I uh…” 

“… Niss?” 

“Okay, I’d never been with a man OR a woman before you! I… I was too caught up in my work!” And the fear of turning out like his brother if he gave in even once, he supposed. “Don’t laugh.” 

“I’m not going to laugh,” Pentious encouraged, stroking his arm. 

“Then why is your face all crinkly like that?” 

“Got your virginity twice,” the snake grinned as Arackniss smacked him with a pillow. 

“… Okay, so we might be able to make this idea work to at least buy us some time. I just wish you’d talk major decisions over with me before making them!” 

“… Sorry.” 


	2. Dinner at Pops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to meet the family.

The small black spider could hardly contain his excitement when his date arrived in the hotel lobby in a light sea foam green halter dress that was clearly 1940’s inspired. He never would have realized how good that color looked with black and yellow. “Do you like it? I ordered it express delivery from a store that specializes in retro. I thought your father would appreciate the effort I took to look like something from familiar times.”

Arackniss knew he’d personally like it better on the floor than on his snake. “I’ve had a whole week to mentally prepare for this night, and I’m still nervous as hell.”

“I’ve had a week of hell as well. I can’t wait to get back into my old body. I dropped a bolt behind my worktable and wasn’t able to reach it because these things got in the way!” he said, referring to his chest. “Did you know it’s possible to lie on them wrong and that hurts?!”

“Yeah, but… if I have to be honest, gonna miss them.” He took a deep breath. “We can do this. It will be okay. All we have to do is have a nice dinner with pops where we convince him that you’re a dame and that we’re not serious enough that it would interfere with my work.”

.

“Pops, this is Pen. Pen, my dad.” The snake gave a respectful head bow. On a width and muscle basis, Henroin was the larger demon. On a length basis, Pentious would win. Arackniss felt unusually small when he was the presence of both.

“Greetings. I’m glad my son finally got around to introducing his old man to the dame who could finally loosen him up a little,” he said in the politest tone his gruff voice was capable of. Then, he turned to Arackniss and said in Italian, “Damn, look at the melons on this bitch and those child-bearing hips. I was almost afraid you wouldn’t turn out like your old man, but you’re making me proud. My own papa always said you gotta get yourself a big girl, son, so you know her cooking’s good.”

“Ye… yeah…” Arackniss stammered.

“Niss?”

“It’s nothing, just an old traditional greeting!”

“You sure remind me of our gunsmith though,” Henroin suddenly observed.

Both Arackniss and Pentious went a little blank. “He’s… uh… my… uh… distant cousin! We really don’t get along. Hardly ever see each other. In fact, hate each other! You’ll never see us in the same room.”

Henroin gave a bemused grunt. “Arackniss would know a thing or two about that,” he said. He still didn’t know the two brothers had secretly made up and were hanging out with each other at the hotel. “I’m kind of glad you don’t hang out with your cousin; it’d be embarrassing if you spent too much time with that stuffed-shirt pompous fool. Only put up with him cuz he’s the best gunsmith in Hell.”

Arackniss would see Pentious balling his hands up in rage and quickly cut in. “Let’s talk about things we enjoy instead! How are your favorite sports teams, doing, pops?”

“AH, don’t talk to me about that. Terrible as usual. Why don’t you tell me about what you and your girl like to do for fun instead?”

Telling him that they spent most of their time hanging out at the redemption hotel where he KNEW Anthony lived would not have been a good idea. “Oh, just… things. Here and there. Nothing in particular.”

“Oops, I asked a rude question. But I’m glad to hear you ain’t a virgin anymore, boy. I was starting to worry about that, too.”

“DAD!” he said, face flushed. Pentious snorted.

“See, she gets it. Lady got a sense of humor,” he said as he downed his first glass of wine. “So how serious are you two? Serious enough to meet the old man, but…”

“No… not serious enough to be thinking about a wedding or anything like that! Nuh-uh, nopes!” Arackniss said, throwing up his hands.

“Good, I don’t want to deal with anyone coming into my house on the day my son is to be married and asking me to do murder for money,” he answered, preparing his second drink. “Come on, drink up, the best for the boy and his doll!”

Some time later...

“So then, I dropped the French fry between my snoobs, and the host got so distracted he ran right into a waitress carrying a tray of drinks!” a tipsy Pentious said. While he had mentioned he went out for lunch with two ‘girlfriends’, he wisely did NOT mention that one of them was Angel Dust. He wasn’t drunk enough to make that mistake.

Arackniss’ father laughed way louder than he should have, pounding on the table. “This is a good one, boy. Damn, even I think you better settle down with this!”

“Sweetie, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink,” he said, trying to pry what was left of the glass away from Pentious.

“Speak Italian to me, Nissy. It makes me so hot,” Pentious said with a smile, and Henroin was thrown into another fit of laughter.

“I think we’d better get you home, honey,” Arackniss said.

“Thank you for the lovely pasta dinner, Mr… Mr… Henroid?”

“For the love of… it’s definitely time to go home, Pen!” he said, pushing the snake towards the door. Fortunately, his dad was drunk enough to *also* find this hilarious.

“She’s a riot act! What a girl!”

.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Arackniss said, behind the wheel of his own car. “… But I still feel guilty for lying to dad.” He’d made sure that he stayed sober enough to drive without problems.

“You didn’t lie, you just… omitted some information that wasn’t relevant to the current conversation.”

“Hmmm. Speaking of omissions… let’s wait one more night before you take the incubus solution to turn back to normal, okay?”

“Whatever you say, my Italian stud.” The snake leaned over for a kiss but stopped. “Sorry, I have to sneeze. ACHOO!”

There was a sound of ripping fabric. Pentious immediately looked down in panic, then let out a sigh of relief. “I thought that sound meant they had gotten bigger, but they’re the same size?”

“Um, Pent?”

“Niss?”

“Your back.”

.

“You have to get out of bed eventually,” Arackniss said to a fussy Pentious. He hadn’t been able to sleep on his front because of the giant boobs, and he hadn’t been able to sleep on his back because of the black and yellow devil wings that had popped out of his back.

“No, I have made up my mind. I’m just going to lie here until I die, thank you,” the snake answered. “Your brother and Cherri will never stop laughing if they see those ridiculously tiny wings!”

“You are not going to just lie there until you die, you drama queen. Get out of that bed!” Arackniss said, getting into a fight over the blankets with the snake.

Angel Dust walked in on Pentious fully wrapped around one of the bed posts while Arackniss tried to pry him off. “You… are… getting… out… of… bed!” he grunted.

“No, I am not! I have become one with the blankets! If I leave them now, I might lose their trust!”

“This a bad time?” he asked. “You two doing a cosplay sex thing?”

This caused Arackniss to lose enough concentration that the snake was able to pull out of his grip and slither right back into the bed, anchoring himself by wrapping his tail around it.

“HA!”

“You little…”

“If you two are done fucking around, Baxter says he has the incubus counter-solution ready.”

“Ah, I guess I do have to get up then, Pentious sighed. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. But... promise you won’t laugh.”

“... Why would I laugh?”

“The wings? They’re not... fashion accessories. They’re part of me.”

“PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF..”

“You said you wouldn’t laugh!!”

“No I didn’t!” Angel said, doubling over with gleeful laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Yes, I know Lilith doesn’t have visible wings. If anybody is going to be like "uh Hazbin succubus no have wing". But most succubus lore I’ve seen suggests they can produce and retract them at will. Pentious just doesn’t have enough control to make them vanish.


	3. Oops, I did it again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who ever heard of a sleep slithering snake?

“I don’t get it!” Baxter said in frustration. There was a pile of bent needles lying on the table. “I didn’t have any trouble getting the needle in when we did the first injection.”

“Is it possible you got a bad batch of needles?”

“No. Are you getting ready to shed or something that would thicken up your skin?”

“Not that I’m aware, and it shouldn’t thicken it that much.”

“You must have had a strange reaction to the succubus blood. I’ll have to look into it further.”

“… I’m stuck like this?! With these stupid, useless... flappy things?!” They weren’t sure if he meant the wings or the breasts.

“Just until we figure out why I can’t get a needle in.”

.

“You know, you can still do something other than wrap yourself up in blankets and watch television all day,” Angel Dust pointed out to Pentious. He also had Hat and at least a couple of Egg Bois wrapped up on a couch in the lounge.

“You’re not my dad. You can’t tell me how to live my afterlife,” he responded.

“Speaking of that, remember the time…”

“Why do you keep bringing that up?”

“Cuz it was fucking funny, in retrospect. You know, there IS an amateur night at the club, and I bet you could really rake in the dough with that body.”

“Excuse me, but I have more ssssself-respect than that,” he hissed, his voice raised in annoyance. He normally dragged out his s sounds, but he had especially dragged that one out.

Baxter joined them in the lounge, frowning. “I’ve tried all the message boards, and no one has heard of such a reaction, but no one has tried this solution on a non-mammalian demon before. They’re suggesting we should talk to a doctor that specializes in snakes and nagas.”

“Great,” Pentious said, pulling the blanket further over his face.

“What’s your problem with THAT?” Angel asked.

“I told you, I don’t get along with other snakes.”

“Well just don’t EAT the damn expert and you’ll be fine.” 

.

“You don’t have to make that sour face the entire trip,” Angel pointed out as they borrowed the princess’ limo to make a trip to the expert.

“I do when you two insisted on coming with me!”

“Yeah, well, my brother was busy working for pops so he couldn’t come, and someone’s got to keep you from biting the expert. Baxter has to be here so the expert can tell him how to fix the incubus solution.”

“I don’t have so little ssssself-control that I would try to eat the expert! I just… don’t… play well with other snakes. Even if I wouldn’t think of eating them, they’re always on guard as though I might.”

“Yeah, well, fly and other insect demons don’t exactly rest easy around me or Niss either, so you’re not unique in that aspect, sunshine.”

.

A female snake demon with orange, black, and red stripes met them in the office. Based on her short bob-cut, she was not another type of cobra. “Are you a coral snake?” Baxter asked.

“Scarlet King. That’s not just my species; it’s my name. You can call me Dr. Scarlet if you prefer. We have similar colors but we’re not venomous. Unlike a king cobra,” she said.

“I promise, I have no intention of biting you!”

“Actually, I was hoping you’d be willing to provide a venom sample for some research studies I’ve been working on. Kings are relatively rare as a demon species compared to other venomous demon snakes. Most of them are rattlers or mambas. It’s a non-invasive procedure and it doesn’t hurt.”

“… Do they have to watch?” he said nervously, referring to the other two demons.

“No, and actually, I’d prefer if they’d stay out here in the waiting room so I can have some patient privacy while I try to figure out what went wrong with this little spell you used. Using mammalian spells on reptiles is always risky. If you wanted a temporary sex change spell to spice up your love life, you should have come to me!”

“That’s not what I wanted it for!” an embarrassed Pentious protested as he followed her into the back room.

Angel flopped down in a chair. “Snakes of sub-Saharan Africa,” he read out loud off one of the provided books, flipping it open. “All these snakes are naked. Does this doctor really provide snake porn for her patients to look at while they wait?”

“Is everything sex with you?” Baxter asked in annoyance.

“Do you have to even ask?”

.

“What is taking them so long?” a bored Angel asked.

“Maybe the spell is super hard to remove?” Baxter responded with his own question.

“Actually, it can’t be removed,” a very dejected Pentious said, emerging from the back room with his hood as low as they’d ever seen it. “The problem wasn’t with the needles; it was that my body won’t take the incubus blood with the succubus blood still in it.”

“So, you’re stuck like that? For the rest of your afterlife?”

“No,” he sighed. “Just… for about two months, maybe a little longer, until the succubus blood naturally runs out of my system.”

“Come back again in a month so I can make sure no other weird side effects happen with this spell,” Dr. Scarlet said, joining the group in the waiting room.

.

“Cheer up. Two months isn’t THAT long,” Angel said to the sad sack snake on their limo ride back to the hotel.

“It feels like an eternity knowing I have to carry these meat bags around! You do not get to talk; yours are just hair!”

“You know, you could start an OnlyFiends account and make a cash grab with that body while you’ve got it. Also, your hat keeps making REALLY weird faces. You sure it’s okay?”

“Oh. I should have left it out in the waiting room with you. Some of the doctor’s tests were quite through and I think it might have been mildly traumatized.”

“It watches you and Niss have sex all the time and a little doctor’s visit traumatizes it?”

“… Hat would never! Hat has class!”

“Hat’s face right now says Hat absolutely watches.”

“Hat!” Pentious cried, sounding hurt.

“Top ten anime betrayals.”

.

Baxter, Pentious, and Angel Dust came flying through the hotel’s main doors as fast as they could move, slamming it shut behind them and breathing heavily.

“What’s going on this time?” Vaggie asked. “And... are those WINGS?” He’d been hiding the changes to his body from the two women by wearing blankets as shawls around all week, claiming he was cold. Funny that she noticed those before the snitties.

“... Yeah, Baxter and Pentious kind of got the genius idea to inject succubus blood into the snake and now every straight guy in a quarter-mile radius is out there with flowers.”

“I don’t get it,” Baxter said. “There are plenty of succubus in Hell, and they don’t attract crowds of starry-eyed guys who have been turned into mindless zombies looking for love.”

After a moment of frowning and thought, Vaggie said “Where did you get the succubus blood you used, Baxter?”

“Oh… I… well… I discovered there was a bunch in a refrigerator downstairs, so I thought you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed just one vial.”

“THE REFRIGERATOR LABELLED DO NOT TOUCH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH!? THAT ONE!?”

“It… is the only place I can hide ice cream bars where Pentious or Angel wouldn’t eat them first.”

“That… was succubus blood from Charlie’s mom. From Lilith!” she shouted angrily.

“… Why did you have blood from your mom stored in your basement?”

“Trust us, you don’t want to know why,” Charlie sighed, her face flushing.

“Let me repeat: you used succubus blood from Lilith. The strongest succubus in all of existence. And put those powers into someone who isn’t used to controlling them.”

“Well, at least now we know why we weren’t able to change him back...” a very nervous Baxter stammered. “And that probably also explains why they all look so zoned out. The succubus powers and his innate hypnotic powers are probably clashing.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great to theorize and shit, but what are we going to do about the saddest episode of the Bachelorette happening on the lawn?” Angel asked.

.

“I can’t believe this worked, but I also can't believe how stupid this is.” Pentious groaned. They’d hung a giant pine-tree shaped air freshener around his neck to cover up the succubus scent.

“Let’s just hope nothing else weird happens before it clears your system.”

“... No offense to your mother, princess, but I really rather hope that I don’t grow giant horns. I won’t be able to wear my hat if I do.”

.

.

“Okay, Angel. What’s up with the pillow fort?”

“The who the what?” Angel asked.

“Who else would build a pillow fort out of couch cushions in the middle of the lobby?”

“Well, it wasn’t me,” he informed Vaggie. “I was at work all night.” They went into the lobby together, looking at the couch that had been transformed into a fort. “Why don’t you ask the one whose tail is sticking out if it?” Angel said, pointing.

“Pentious?” she asked, looking inside. The snake was sound asleep, tightly coiled around three Egg Bois. “Pentious, what in the world are you doing?” she demanded.

He was startled awake and initially hissed at them, hood flared out, before fully coming around and looking around in confusion. “What… where am I?”

“In a cushion fort in the lobby. That you seem to have built last night.”

“I don’t… I don’t remember coming down to the lobby. Or building this.” The look on his face indicated genuine confusion.

“I’ve heard of sleep walking and sleep sex, but this is the first time I’ve heard of sleep pillow fort building,” Angel snorted.

“It must be another weird side effect of the succubus blood,” the snake yawned, scratching his head.

“Too bad Niss is away on business right now, it would have been hilarious to see him waking up in a pillow fort.”

.

“Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous,” Vaggie said the next morning. This time, three couches from around the hotel had been stripped of their cushions and turned into a pillow fort in the center of the lobby.

“I swear, I don’t remember doing this!” Pentious argued back. Once again, they’d found the snake asleep with his Egg Bois inside the pillows.

“Tonight, I’m going to put a bell on your door so if you try it again, we can catch you before you make a mess we have to clean up,” Vaggie informed him.

.

“HOW THE FUCK!?” she shouted. “We had a bell on the door!” Not only had every couch in the hotel had its pillows stolen and stacked, but all the furniture in the lobby had been shoved together to make the mother of all cushion forts.

“I really don’t know how I’m doing this!” Pentious groaned, embarrassed. “I can’t remember anything!” 

“Maybe you should call that snake expert again and tell her about this side effect.”

“In the meantime, tonight, I’m staying up all night watching the lobby. I’m not having to put all that furniture back one more time,” Vaggie snapped, pointing a finger in the snake’s face.

.

“I’m exhausted, but it was worth it,” Vaggie yawned, trying to force herself awake with more coffee. “The snake didn’t dare set one scale into the lobby last night.”

“… Um, Vaggie?” Niffty asked. “Can you… come up to the room where we keep the extra mattresses?”

“… Oh, fuck no!”

There again was the sleeping snake, curled around the Egg Bois, having turned every spare mattress in the storeroom into an impressive mattress castle. “Okay. I’m impressed by how strong he is, and that he managed to do all of this without making a sound. But I’m still not happy that now we have to clean this up. We have got to do something about this snake’s sleep building. He’s making messes everywhere!” Vaggie complained.

“I’ve been doing some research about that, and I think I might actually have a theory,” Baxter suggested. “According to the internet, king cobras are the only species of snake known to create nests to protect their eggs. They normally do it out of rotting vegetation. We should be glad he's not making compost piles everywhere." 

“… He’s sleep nesting?!” she asked.

“Apparently whatever feminine instincts the succubus blood may have awakened wants to build a nest to protect the eggs.”

.

Using PVC pipes and a considerable amount of duct-tape, they built a mini-fort around Pentious’ actual bed. “Sorry for causing all this trouble,” he sighed in a defeated tone as they hung blankets over the frame.

“Let’s just hope that this will be enough to convince your primitive brain that your eggs are safe, and you’ll stop messing up the hotel,” Vaggie said.

.

“Pent, what the hell is this?” Arackniss asked when he finally returned from this trip.

There was a massive structure… thing… built over the top of Pentious’ bed. It was almost like a beaver demon had been at work with soft materials instead of wood. “It’s my nest, apparently. Every morning when I wake up it’s gotten bigger, but I can never remember doing it! Miss Vaggie has given up on stopping me and now just says it’s my responsibility to put it all back whenever I’m back to normal.”

“Why are you building a nest?” Arackniss groaned, getting a slight headache.

“To protect my Egg Bois, apparently.”

“… You are so ridiculous, my noodle brain.”

“Speaking of noodles, I’m starving. Must be all the exercise I’m getting in my sleep. I could really go for a Mongolian grill and barbeque today.”


	4. When Hell freezes over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A once in a hundred year stupid event in the mortal world causes Hell to freeze over, leading to some trouble for our cold-blooded friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA HA HA It's six am here and I couldn't sleep.

“Who ate all the chips?” Angel demanded, rummaging through the pantry.

“Who do you think ate all the chips?” Husk yawned in response. “The one who has been sleep building AND sleep eating.”

“… Sorry,” the still embarrassed snake said, head down. They had all tried everything they could think of to keep the snake in his room at night, but somehow, he kept getting out and prowling around not only for any soft material he could spirit back to his room, but snacks too. Getting the couch cushions back had become a routine morning task. And if any laundry went missing? Check the snake's room. 

They’d tried guarding the door with a rotating shift of guards, but he’d apparently flown out his window and got back into the hotel through an open window on a lower floor that night. So much for the wings being supposedly useless. They couldn’t figure out how else he would have gotten in and out without being seen.

They tried using a pair of Angel’s handcuffs to keep him in bed, but they were snapped in half the next morning as the snake was apparently stronger than chains meant for kinky purposes. They’d even tried duct taping the snake in bed, but his scales were slippery enough that he’d just wiggled right out of it and proceeded to eat three entire boxes of cookies without waking up.

It wasn’t until they set up a camera that they realized why no one was able to catch him in action. The camera showed that the moment Vaggie walked up, wagging her finger and shouting, he turned around and popped his hood out. The only eyes open on his entire body were the ones on his hood. A moment later, Vaggie turned around and walked away, eyes swirling as she stared into space. It turned out, he was also capable of sleep-hypnotism.

The camera also did a lot to verify that he wasn’t lying about not being consciously aware of what he was doing, as he moved completely differently on the camera than he did while conscious. He kept his whole body low to the ground, almost crawling like a snake in the mortal world, tongue going a mile a minute. He was apparently moving around on scent, touch, and muscle memory alone, as he didn’t open his eyes except when he ran into someone unfortunate enough to need hypnotizing. Shortly after he slithered off-camera, he returned carrying two boxes of cereal in his mouth, not in his hands.

“We have to go to the snake expert for the one-month checkup today. You are absolutely going to tell her that you’ve been sleep nesting and sleep eating. Your nocturnal prowling is out of control!” Baxter complained.

“You think I don’t know that? All this sleep eating is making me fat!”

“... Hate to tell you this, but you were already thicc. Spelled T H I C C.”

“I don’t know what that means but I am going to assume that I am insulted,” the snake informed Angel.

.

“Normally I would say that relocating the eggs... uh, what did you call them? Egg boys? somewhere else for the next month would be an idea to try to stop the maternal behavior, but I’m afraid that since this is all happening subconsciously, you might lash out if your eggs go missing,” Dr. Scarlet said.

“That’s part of the problem. I’m already lashing out. My partner has to wake me with a stick, so I don’t bite him before I’m fully conscious. I keep biting the stick and ending up with splinters in my mouth. My partner is afraid to spend the night in the same bed as me!”

“You have a partner? You didn’t mention this on your first visit.”

“You suggested I was trying to spice up my sex life,” he said, adding in his famous air quotes, “So I thought you already knew.”

“Is this partner male?”

The snake was a little flushed. “A… a male spider, if you must know. I don’t see how this is important.”

“Well, there’s some additional tests I would have done if I’d known. Let’s get those over with now.”

.

“So, what did the doctor say?” Angel asked. The snake was being uncharacteristically quiet on the ride home, staring out the limo windows with vacant, unfocused eyes.

“That I’ll go back to normal in time. For the foreseeable future, my nighttime roaming is likely to continue. Also, simply putting food where I can’t see it won’t be enough to hide it from me, as my senses of taste and smell are quite keen. I’m probably craving some nutrient like calcium that’s driving me to constantly look for food.”

“In… time? Are we no longer dealing with the original two-month timeline she gave you?”

“Unfortunately, we seem to be in somewhat… uncharted territory.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean... um... this is Lilith’s blood, after all. No one has ever been injected with the blood of the Queen of Hell before! Who knows how long it could stay in my body?!”

.

Time continued to move onward, as time does. One day, around a month or so later, perhaps a little longer, a heavy storm moved into the area, lashing angrily at the walls of the hotel.

“What a storm!” Angel noted as heavy rain beat down on the hotel windows. The wind was absolutely screaming.

“It’s going to get worse,” Charlie said, her face ashen as she entered the lobby. “I just got notice. Hell… is freezing over.”

“WHAT?!”

“Don’t panic! This happens once every one hundred years or so; something so absolutely absurd happens in the mortal world that it causes a massive blizzard in Hell for a few days. I’ve seen it before, and based on his age, Pentious probably has as well.”

“Speaking of noodle boy, where is he? I haven’t seen him out of his room in a few days.”

“Your brother is up talking to him about that. He seems to have caught the bug that’s been going around because he’s been exhausted the last few days. I mean, more than is usual even with his sleep building. Also, I don’t think your brother should leave tonight. With how soon that rain is going to turn into snow, it’d be too dangerous to be on the road.”

Outside, the screeching of the wind grew louder, and the hotel lights started to flicker. “We’d better gather everyone in the lobby and get a fire going. The power is likely to go out and with several cold-blooded species living here, it could be bad if we can’t keep the temperature up in at least one room.”

The entire crew, including Fat Nuggets and the Egg Bois, ended up huddled in the main lobby by only the light of the fire. “I’ve never actually seen snow in Hell before. It’s kind of pretty, despite everything,” Arackniss said. Pentious was asleep on his lap, and he was stroking the hair on the snake’s hood. The snake suddenly opened his eyes and sat up, looking around the room with an unpleasant expression.

“Pent? You okay? What’s wrong?”

The snake gave no response, instead continuing to look around the room with a slow swivel of the head. Then he got off the couch and started heading towards the stairs.

“Pent?”

The snake stopped when he reached the edge of the warm space created by the fireplace. He seemed confused about why it was cold if he went any further. After wiggling there for a bit, he turned back around and came back towards the couch where the spider was sitting.

“... Pent, you’re kind of freaking me out a little. Seriously, what are you doing?” He got his answer in the form of the snake flaring out his hood and lunging at him, hissing. He barely managed to dodge out of the way, jumping off the couch and making an escape roll across the floor. “Pent, what the hell?!”

The snake ignored him and started pushing the couch towards the wall. “Must build, must build,” he muttered to himself.

“He’s sleep nesting again!” Vaggie realized. “We need to wake him up before...”

The second she reached out, the snake whirled around and gave her the loudest hiss she’d ever heard from a demon. Even though he had no rattle to threaten her with, he thumped his tail exceedingly loudly against the ground and he hunched down. Vaggie backed up. Apparently, he had now decided she was too much of a threat to just hypnotize. Perhaps it was the fact that he could smell the crowd.

“Oooor we could just let him have that couch,” Charlie said.

“In all the videos, he crawled around with his eyes closed. Now they’re open but he’s still clearly not conscious. Something weird is going on. Weirder than usual,” Baxter noted.

.

“This is ridiculous,” Husk said.

The very angry snake had indeed built a nest out of two couches and as many blankets as he could get his claws on, and was lying as flat on his belly as his chest would allow, eyes fixated on the rest of them while his tail twitched and he made a weird combination of a low growl with a hiss. Everyone else was trapped on the other side of the room, as far away from the pissed off snake as they could get.

“Are you going to be the one to go over there and try to take those cushions away from him?” Vaggie asked. A few attempts had been made to try to get close enough to wake him, but the ferocity with which the snake was striking out at them was terrifying. It was a frightening thing to witness, even if they knew that when he was conscious, he was just the slightly dopey Pentious.

They’d tried loud noises and shouting his name. That just made him flare up his hood further and retreat into the fort he’d built. The moment anyone tried to take even the slightest step towards it, though, he was back out again and snarling. It was like a game of whack a mole where the mole was armed with a knife.

.

After some time of not seeing the snake, but hearing a few muffled whines from inside the fort, they finally heard a small and tentative voice called out “... Niss?”

“… Pent? Noodle?”

“... I did it again, didn’t I? This is so humiliating,” the snake said, covering his face. “I... ow!” he whimpered, doubling over and holding his middle.

“Pent, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Not... not now... it can’t be now. I’m still supposed to have three days!”

“Three days to what? Spit it out, Pent! What the fuck is going on?!” a worried Arackniss said, hands on the snake’s shoulders.

“I... I was just going to take care over everything privately in my room, but it’s too cold to go back there now. No one would even have had to know.”

“Know what, damn it?!”

All eyes were on the snake. If he could sweat, he would. “It’s… my… my…”


	5. Standing Ovation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Pentious has a Sir Prise. A dramatic surprise brings about a visit from the Queen of Hell herself. Pentious and Arackniss have a fight. Alastor finally makes an appearance. Husk does not have enough alcohol for this. Bonus extra-long chapter!

The blizzard is only getting worse. There’s no way we’re getting a doctor in through this,” Husk noted. “Al might have been able to do something, but he’s somewhere out there running around in the blizzard doing his radio broadcast and I haven’t been able to get through to him because of it.”

“And with the power and internet knocked out, we can’t even video conference anyone,” Arackniss sighed. “We’re flying blind.”

“How can we be flying blind if everyone is insisting on watching?” a very red-faced snake asked, hiding as much as he could inside his cushion fort. Just a few minutes earlier, he’d finished his stammering sentence by screaming out “It’s… my… my… MY EGGS ARE COMING!” He’d gotten nervous with all eyes on him and had panic shouted. The initial response to his statement? The room went so quiet you could hear a pin drop, before it became a cacophony of demons screaming various shocked responses.

“Please? I was born in Hell, so I’ve never had the chance to witness the miracle of birth before.”

“Hire an Imp for your floorshow,” the disgruntled snake responded.

“Pllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeease?”

“You know there’s not enough alcohol in the world to make me want to watch,” Husk snorted.

“And I’m not interested in the snussy at all.”

“... Snussy. You really... owowow, cramping.”

“Are they coming now?! Um... breathe! Breathe! Push!” Charlie said in a panic. “Do we need to boil some water?!”

“Why, princess, you planning on making egg salad?” Angel asked.

“Because... because that’s what they do when babies are coming in TV!”

“This isn’t a television show! I don’t know why you all feel the need to try to ‘help’. I’m not a stupid mammal! Plenty of female snake demons do this yearly on their own. It’s only eggs and I don’t have to deal with any problems like sterilizing scissors for cutting cords. The worst that can happen is getting egg-bound, and there are ways of dealing with that.”

“By which you mean my brother has to put his arm up your...”

“This is not a conversation we are having!” he snapped at Angel.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Arackniss asked, speaking of Angel’s brother. He genuinely sounded hurt.

“I... I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought I could take care of it myself without worrying you.”

“We had an entire conversation about not making important decisions without talking them over with me!”

“It wasn’t an important decision! They can’t hatch, so it’s not like I was planning on having children without telling you! I was just going to... um... to...”

“... You were going to eat them, weren’t you?” Angel asked.

“NO! That’s disgusting! I was going to... try making some new Egg Bois,” he said, making his voice very tiny for the last part of the sentence.

“You’re not supposed to do evil while you’re living at the hotel!” Vaggie snapped.

“Who... who says I was going to use them to do evil?”

“Well, then, what, exactly, did you plan on doing with them?”

“I... oh, ow. Ow! Cramping!” he said with a dramatic hand to his forehead. Vaggie frowned and grunted.

“It was an important decision,” Arackniss cut in suddenly, his voice quiet. It was enough to bring the raucous argument to a quick end. “And I’m upset that you didn’t... there’s nothing we can do about it now. We’ll talk about this later.”

If there was such a thing as sad snake noises, Pentious was certainly making them.

.

“Anything yet?”

“No,” the very annoyed snake said. They’d convinced him to come halfway out of the pillow fort by that time, although he was still on the floor as that was the best place to fully stretch out while his spider-partner supported his upper body.

Angel waited a few more minutes. “How about now?”

“NO! Stop asking. I’ll let you know when…” They all stopped when the door of the hotel suddenly was thrown open, letting in a cold blast of air. A snowman walked in, staring at the commotion.

They stared back. A moment later, the snowman shook off, reveling a very damp Radio Demon underneath. “What are all of you doing on this fine snowy evening? Telling stories around the fire?”

“Al, thank goodness you’re here! We need help! Sir Pentious is about to give birth!”

“I told you a hundred times, princess, it’s egg laying! It’s completely different from...”

Alastor went completely stone faced. Literally, a stone mask. “Nope,” he said from behind his mask, facing Charlie as he walked backwards straight out the door into Hell’s blizzard.

“Wait, don’t leave me here, I want to go... damn it, Al,” Husk sighed when he realized the Radio Demon was gone.

“How about now?” Angel asked.

“Will you stoooooookay. Okay. Now. Now is good.”

They had expected a dramatic scream based on medical dramas being their sole experience with such thing, but it was really a high-pitched whine that kept getting louder accompanied by heavy breathing. “Push, push!” Charlie cheered, before her face went completely blank, unable to even reflect the internal horror she was feeling. For all her cheerleading and encouraging, she was not prepared for… that. She didn’t realize it, but she’d instinctively crossed her own legs.

“First egg out,” Vaggie said, giving her a comforting pat. “Miracle of life, hun.”

“… I need to write a letter to my mom telling her how much I appreciate her,” a stone-faced Charlie said.

The first six were exciting. By the time they reached ten, a sort of nervousness had settled over the group. By twenty, it was dead silence other than occasional whining and panting from the pillow fort. They had to fetch laundry baskets to hold the eggs, which sat in the middle of the room, being fussed over by Egg Bois. These eggs were only about three-quarters to half their size.

At thirty, the silence was broken again by Angel Dust. “Sweet fucking Lucifer, where did he PUT all of them?! He didn’t look THAT fat!” At forty, everyone just of accepted the feeling of existential dread that came with the situation. Then, at forty-nine, everything stopped. The final count, one short of fifty. “Man, you should be REALLY glad we’re in Hell and those can’t hatch, or you’d be paying off child support the rest of your afterlife,” Angel said to his brother.

“How are you feeling?” Arackniss asked, checking on his exhausted snake. The snake was busily wrapping himself up like a snake burrito in a blanket.

“…Feeling? I lost feeling in anything below my waist hours ago.”

“I’m still mad at you, you know.”

The snake looked away. “Yeah. I know.”

“I’ll get over it,” he sighed, giving his partner a light back rub. He hated to see that sad snake snoot. “It just feels like you don’t trust me, you know? Like you don’t ask me before making decisions because you don't want to deal with it if I disagree.”

“That’s not! That’s... I’ve been doing everything by myself and for myself for over a hundred years. I’m not used to anyone caring what I do.”

“You’re going to have to get used to me giving a shit about you eventually.”

Charlie’s eyes were huge, the hopeless romantic in her lost in the conversation. Angel made a gagging gesture.

.

Getting the eggs out of the system seemed to be the necessary solution to at least one problem, as the following morning the snake was back to his normal body. Despite no longer having the relevant organs to lay eggs, he swore up and down he could still feel them and it was still hurting.

A few days later, once all the snow had melted, he gathered up the laundry baskets full of eggs and took them to the top of the building, where he had parked his blimp.

.

“I genuinely didn’t think it would work, but forty-seven of them hatched into new Egg Bois,” Pentious said proudly to Arackniss. “I’m giving the other two some extra time, but based on past experience, I don’t have much hope for them.”

“… Boss made minions for us minions!” the remaining older and larger “hard boiled” Egg Bois declared, tears of happiness in their eyes. Pentious shrugged and figured it couldn’t hurt to let them keep thinking that.

.

“Hey, bossman? One of the eggs that’s still in the incubator is moving.”

“Oh, maybe those two were just slower than the others!” He’d almost forgotten about them, if he was being honest.

He watched the two remaining eggs wiggle back and forth and slowly start to crack open. But what came out wasn’t the usual skinny arms of a developing Egg Boi. His jaw dropped and his eyes got huge.

“What… in… all… damnation?!”

.

“Princess, princess, heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!” a very frantic snake demon screamed, coming down the stairs so fast he nearly fell. “Egg egg egg! Do the thing! Egg!”

“Sir Pentious? What’s wrong?” Charlie asked, concerned. “You’re not making any sense!” She immediately noticed he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt instead of his usual outfit. It looked like one of the ones Angel had gotten so he could carry Fat Nuggests around like a baby kangaroo. She had no way of knowing this, but after seeing Angel’s shirt, Arackniss got Pentious one so he could carry around the Egg Bois. Pentious never did it publicly because he thought he looked stupid, but he did it in private because Arackniss thought it looked cute.

Before he could answer, a tiny head popped out of the pouch on the front of the hoodie. An angry little thing hissed and spread its hood, tongue flicking, glaring for a moment at everyone else before disappearing again back into the warmth of the pouch.

.

Resting on Pentious’ lap, snuggled into a pile of warm fleece blankets, were two tiny spider-snakes. From the waist down, they were black and yellow serpents. From the waist up, they were hairy little four-armed spiders with cobra hoods. They had red eyes on their faces and on their tiny hoods, which they could already spread as they hissed at any new scents, including those of Charlie and Vaggie. One had a third eye on the forehead, and one had an eye in the middle of the chest, but otherwise, they were virtually indistinguishable.

“How?” Charlie finally asked, still trying to process what she was seeing.

“Fuck all if I know!” Pentious answered. He wasn’t one to say fuck often, but this felt like just the right occasion for it.

“... The blood of Lilith. The only sinner-born demon ever known to produce a child,” Vaggie groaned. One of the hatchlings hissed at her, tiny fangs and hood out.

“Aaaaaw, they’re so adorably angry!” Charlie cooed over the babies. “Like kittens!”

“Careful, they’re also fully venomous if the internet is right about king cobra hatchlings,” Baxter added.

“… We’ve now got two venomous infant spider-snakes crawling around the hotel to worry about,” Vaggie groaned.

“Actually, hatchlings have more of the developmental level of a toddler or slightly older child than an infant, as they can already hunt at birth. Speaking of which, we should probably find them something to eat before they get interested in hunting,” Pentious said as he had noticed both were eagerly sniffing at the air with their tongues. Unlike mammalian infants, born blind and helpless, the hatchlings were ready to hit the ground slithering.

It took wrapping slightly warmed meat up in seaweed and wiggling it around to make it look like a snake to convince the hatchlings that they were interested. They were going to have to get a terrarium with a heat rock, as clearly nothing with bars would hold the rather quick hatchlings. Fortunately, despite their speed, they had no interest in getting far away from ‘mommy’s’ body. Anything that didn’t smell like ‘mom’ or food was bad news as far as they were concerned and deserved a good hissing.

“… I am never going to figure out how to explain this to pops,” Arackniss moaned.

“I am going to be the COOLEST UNCLE!” Angel said with huge eyes, reaching out for the baby with the eye in the middle of the chest, which was closest to him.

“Careful, they’re…” The hatchling snapped down on his hand. “Bitey,” Pentious sighed.

“Ow, ow, please get off uncle’s hand,” he pleaded, not wanting to shake or otherwise harm the hatchling, but also not enjoying the tiny needle fangs in his hand. They’d gone right through his gloves. As he was trying to dislodge the hatchling, he felt something warm and wet spreading across his front and looked down. “Oh. Hey, bro? Congratulations, this one is a boy.”

Pentious frowned. “New pressing issue. How do you diaper a snake?”

There was a loud knock at the door. “Hide those, quickly,” Vaggie ordered as Charlie got up to check who it was. Pentious put the hatchlings back in his pocket and tried to look innocent.

Charlie opened the door and nearly died on the spot of shock. A tall, blonde, horned woman stood in the doorway. “Mo.. mom?! Mom! What are you doing here?”

“Is there something you should be telling me, daughter?” she asked coldly.

.

“I see. I’ve been able to sense their existence since they hatched. I thought YOU had given birth.”

“Have you told… told…”

“No. I haven’t told your father, and I don’t intend to tell him unless it becomes necessary. Daughter… I could choose to wipe those abnormalities out of existence,” she said as the snake clutched them tighter, trembling in fear. “They were born of sinners but entered hell sinless. The other option, daughter, is for you to take responsibility for them.”

“I… I will! They can… the whole family can stay here in the hotel! I’ll watch over them!”

“Be very careful, daughter. Know that there will be severe punishments if Heaven finds out about this. Keeping them near you should keep them from being detected until they’ve picked up enough of Hell’s energy to hide them, but I make no promises.”

Even though she’d put on a furious act in front of her daughter, when she was back in her own limo, she started to laugh. A true and genuine laugh from the succubus known as the mother of monsters terrified her staff. “Mistress?” one timidly asked.

“Oh, I’ve just learned something very, very interesting… and amusing, if one thinks of Heaven’s rules on us. Oh, this is a good one. I almost wish I could tell someone up there just to watch their faces.”

.

“We’ve FINALLY managed to come to an agreement,” Arackniss explained to the others. “This one is a boy and his name is Nathaira,” he said, referring to the hatchling with the extra chest eye. “The other one is a girl and her name is Vipernessa.” This was the hatchling with the third eye on the forehead. They’d just learned that if they flexed enough, they could put the ends of their tails in their mouths, despite their ‘mother’s constant fussing about their tails having touched the ground.

“Two snake names?” Vaggie asked.

“We thought about Arachne for the girl, but decided it was too close to my name and might confuse her when she’s learning it. I suggested Vanessa because it has a Niss sound in it but it’s different, but Pent likes pun names.”

“You don’t get to complain about my name choices when one of yours was Arackniss junior,” the snake said, giving him a rude tongue flick. “I am not having a child we’d end up calling junior. And I did all the hard work anyway.”

“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Vaggie sighed.

“I can’t either. It’s like we’re characters in a drama and our author has a twisted sense of humor,” Charlie agreed. “Hey, where’s Alastor? He hasn’t seen the hatchlings yet.”

“He noped out of this story,” Husk said.

“He did what?”

“Never mind,” he grunted. He kept forgetting no one else knew about the damn fourth wall. Blame Al for that one. Screwed up his mind for a week.

Everyone else decided to just not ask any further questions. There were enough that would have to be asked eventually. 

BONUS MATERIAL

-A collection of short pieces-

Angel Dust came down to the lobby of the hotel to find a very zoned-out Pentious sitting on one of the lobby couches. He had a thousand-mile stare in his eyes. Even his *hat* looked tired. He was pushing a rocker back and forth with his tail, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the rocker was empty. The two hatchlings were sleeping peacefully in his arms, having finally stopped crying for a while. Since they’d learned they had voices that could do more than hiss, they hadn’t stopped using them.

“You… uh… you okay there, snake mom?” he asked. 

He rolled his head slightly around and looked blankly at Angel, as if to say, ‘do I look okay’? He then slowly turned his head to look in the rocker, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized it was empty. He ALMOST dropped the hatchlings in his panic, but fortunately was able to grab back onto them at the last moment.

“Why don’t you just have the Egg Bois look after them?” Angel asked, studying the exhausted Pentious.

“I wouldn’t trust them to watch my sandwich without supervision, let alone my children. They already have their own hands full training the new soft soldiers.”

.

“Don’t feed the hatchlings hot dogs! You don’t know what is actually in those!” Pentious snapped at Angel.

“But they like hot dogs! Look, you just wiggle them like little snakes, and…”

Both hatchlings responded by hissing and putting their hoods up. They wiggled their tiny snake butts before pouncing on the hot dogs. They looked up with the hot dogs tightly pinned by their fangs, fiercely proud of their ‘kills.’

“Yeah, they learned to do that from Husk,” Angel noticed.

.

“Are the hatchlings asleep?” Arackniss whispered.

“Finally,” Pentious whispered back.

“I haven’t had a chance to get my hands on you in a while,” he grinned, putting his arms around the snake and tightly grabbing onto his partner’s tail with both hands.

“What did you have in mind?”

They kissed, pulling one another closer, running hands up and down their backs. Just as he was rubbing his hands up his partner’s back, a tiny voice spoke up. “Mama dada kissy!” the hatchling giggled.

Both jumped. “Vip… Vipernessa! Why aren’t you in bed?”

“Nath go pee pee,” she said, referring to her brother, Nathaira. They hadn’t quite managed their full names yet and referred to one another as Vip and Nath.

After the hatchlings were cleaned up, the two parents sighed deeply. “Want to try again?” Arackniss asked.

They got as far as getting their clothes halfway off because Nathaira screamed “MAMA! Deres no monstah under my bad!”

“… I’ll go reassure him there’s a monster under his bed,” Arackniss sighed. “Finally, my love, I’ve got you in my arms,” he said, leaning into his lover upon his return. “And we’re going to do exactly what you and I love best.”

Less than five minutes later, they were completely unconscious, exhausted from the trials of rearing twin spider-snakes.

.

Angel heard several loud, angry knocks on his door. When he opened it, he found a fuming Pentious standing there, holding a squirmy hatchling in a green duck shirt. “What’s got under your scales?” he asked.

“WHAT did uncle Angel teach you to say, again?” he asked the hatchling.

“Madderfuhkuhs,” Nathaira said cheerfully.

“Aw, that’s my nephew!” he said proudly. “Takes after his daddy’s family.”

“That’s not something to be proud of!” Pentious snapped.

.

Another loud knock on the door. Angel rolled his eyes, having now gotten used to the sound of Pentious’ angry knock. “What is it now?” he asked, opening the door. Pentious now had one toddler-sized hatchling under each arm, carrying them like yoga mats. They had grown quite rapidly, until their physical and mental age had evened out. Being part Pentious and part Arackniss, they were surprisingly strong for their size. 

“Did you tell the hatchlings that it would be a good idea to try to ride a mattress all the way down the hotel stairs from the top floor?”

“No! Why would you even think that?”

“Yea you do!” Vipernessa protested. Nathaira nodded in agreement.

“You little rats! Didn’t I teach you anything about what happens to snitches?”

“… WHAT did you teach them happens to snitches, exactly?” Pentious asked, thumping his tail in annoyance.

.

“Angel, why are my children hitting each other with light-up dildos?” Pentious asked, rubbing his head to relieve the headache he was getting from simply having to ask the question.

“They watched a Star Wars cartoon and they were crying because they didn’t have light sabers. Now they’re not crying. Do you really want to take them away?”

There was a long silence between them. “I think I’ll just take a picture I can embarrass them with when they’re older instead.”

“Now you’re getting the hang of parenting!”

.

“Orange, orange, orange,” Nathaira sang, swinging his tail. It was coming out more like ‘oh-wang’, which meant Angel had to keep stifling his giggles.

“Hold your horses, uncle Angel is getting you an orange,” he said, finishing peeling a small orange and handing it to the little spider-snake. He looked down and frowned.

“I DUN WAN ORANGE!!!” he screamed, throwing it at his uncle’s face. Angel managed to duck at the last second.

Vipernessa picked it up and stuffed it into her mouth whole, her cheeks puffing out. “Don’t eat food off the ground!” Angel groaned, knowing Pentious would have a fit if he found out about it. Angel wasn’t worried about her choking on it, as he’d seen her swallow larger things easily. 

“VIP ATE MAH ORANGE!” Nathaira screamed, sobbing.

“I’ll get you another orange, geeze, calm down!”

“I NEED DAT ORANGE!”

.

“Angel, are you babysitting the twins again?” Husk shouted from the other room.

“Yes, but they’re asleep right now, so don’t shout!”

“No, they’re not,” he said angrily, entering the room with one little snake attached firmly to each ankle. “Come get your brother’s ankle biters.”

“Husk is friend, not food!” Angel cried as he pried the snakes off Husk’s legs.

“… We need to order more anti-venom.”

.

“Diapers, baby wipes, even more diapers, sunscreen, hats, blankets, three different varieties of snacks in spill-resistant containers, sippy cups, pacifiers, rattles, four varieties of stuffed animals, extra clothing, sunscreen, happy face band aids, and disposable wet wipes. Does that sound like everything?” Pentious asked, looking through the bag.

They were preparing for an outing. Fortunately, no one really paid much attention to the twins. Everyone in Hell was stuck in their own heads, and beyond that, they wouldn’t have been the first entire family to die and be condemned all at once. Only the young age of the twins raised any attention, but generally, no one asked any uncomfortable questions. If someone did get too close? ‘Mom’ had hypnotism to fall back on.

“I think we have everything,” Arackniss agreed with Pentious. Satisfied, they left the hotel.

Less than five minutes later, they returned, both looking disgruntled. “We forgot the kids,” Arackniss informed Angel as he stomped back to their room, leaving his brother behind in a fit of laughter.

.

“Mommy?”

“What is it Nathaira? Mom is resting his eyes,” the tired snake yawned.

“I didn poop anywhere. An I didn draw on wall.”

“Aaaand mommy’s up.”

.

Husk felt like someone was staring at him. When he turned, he saw Nathaira peering at him with big eyes and a grin, tail wagging. “What is it, kid?”

“Do you have a penis? I have two,” he said, causing Husk to nearly choke on his drink. “Daddy has a penis!”

“Nathaira, I did NOT teach you the proper words for body parts for you to go around asking everyone if they have them!” his embarrassed father said, fetching him. 

.

“You know, Vipernessa, you’re a lot quieter than your brother and you don’t get into as much trouble,” Vaggie complimented one day as the twins were coloring in the lobby.

“Boys are stoopid,” she answered.

Vaggie had to wipe a proud tear from her eye. “I’ve taught you well, little one.”

.

“Okay, breathe, Husk, breathe. Breathe!” Angel said. The gasping cat was clutching his chest like he’d had a heart attack.

“What’s going? What happened to Husk?!” Charlie asked, concerned.

“Pentious didn’t tell him that the twins shed-slash-molt, so when he saw their skins set aside for disposal, he thought they were dead.”

.

Baxter was reading in the lobby when he realized the twins were staring at him over the end of the couch. “What do you two want?” he asked in annoyance. Pentious had taught them it was rude to interrupt people, so instead, they just stared at whoever they wanted to talk to with those huge snake eyes until they were noticed.

“Stinky fish man,” Vipernessa declared.

“What did you just say?!?”

The twins slithered away quickly, giggling. If necessary, their half-spider build meant they could slither right up a wall and cling to the ceiling. That had certainly given their parents a panic attack the first time they’d seemingly ‘disappeared’ from their room.

It was only once they were up the wall after insulting Baxter that anyone realized they were both naked, and no one had any idea where their clothes or their diapers were. To this day, those clothes have not been seen again.

.

Now, it may seem like the twins left Alastor alone, but that wasn’t for lack of trying. He was faster than they were and seemed to have eyes in the back of his head, so he was able to keep a wide distance from them. He had very little interest in them beyond that their creation was so abnormal that even Lilith had been shocked by it. He certainly had no interest in being chewed on, drooled on, or peed on.

As for the Egg Bois? Pentious tended to limit their interaction time, preferring to keep the twins in an enclosure when he had to have them in the workshop with him. First, because they would put anything they found on the ground in their mouths, even if it was metal. Secondly, because they liked to throw Egg Bois. Thirdly, because only the fact that their mouths were too small kept them from *eating* Egg Bois. The older Egg Bois didn’t really mind not having time with the hatchlings because they were too busy trying to keep the rambunctious younger soft-shelled Egg Bois in line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> King cobras can lay between 20-50 eggs per clutch. *The more you know sound*


	6. BONUS CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter: content that didn't make it into the main story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the original prompt/idea for this was the viral video about a pissed off cobra just being like “f this” and blocking a busy street just to lay eggs right there. My friend said Pent would be just enough of a drama queen to do that. 
> 
> This was the original draft that indirectly lead to this story. Obviously, it went through a lot of changes in development. It’s very rough because it was never finished. My writing method is to lay out the dialogue, then go back and fill in details.
> 
> …
> 
> Also it may be some time before I post the next part of the snake eyes series, the next part has angst and writing angst isn't my expertise so it's taking a bit longer to do.

“Can’t you go any faster?” the snake whined, completely sprawled out across the backseat of the vintage car.

“I’m going as fast as I can, but there’s traffic. Why didn’t you tell me we needed to go earlier?!” the spider shouted back.

“I didn’t need to leave earlier,” Sir Pentious hissed back at his long-term partner. “Ow, ow, I’m not sure I can hold it in much longer. I need to lay these eggs NOW.”

“Just hold on!”

“How? It’s not like I can cross legs I don’t have! You could be a little more considerate seeing as how I’m in pain!”

“And my car is going to be ruined if you can’t hold it in, so just WAIT,” Arackniss snapped, in a meaner tone than he meant.

“... Your car. Your CAR?! That’s what your concerned about?! NOT ME?!”

“Pent, no, you know I didn’t mean... Pent, what are you doing? Pent, get back in the car!” he screamed as the snake opened the door and slithered out, directly into traffic. “Get back in the car, you lunatic! You’re going to get hit by a car!”

“Maybe I should get hit by a car,” the dramatic cobra hissed back, flopping down across the road. “I’ll get splattered here so I won’t make a mess in the back of your precious classic car.”

“Come on, Pent, you know I didn’t mean that. I was just frustrated! Get back in the car so we can get to the hospital,” he said, grabbing the snake by the arms. A car honked behind them, prompting Arackniss to pull out his gun and point it directly at them. That worked to calm them down.

“No. I’ll just lay my eggs right here so I don’t spoil your car.”

“Get in the car you melodramatic...”

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, stop pulling me! Stop! It’s too late!”

The snake wasn’t lying. He could see a whitish object starting to emerge from under the panting snake’s scales. “Shit, shit,” he said.

.

“What’s the traffic hold up?” Angel asked in annoyance. He, Vaggie, and Charlie were on their way back from a grocery run. As usual they’d borrowed her parent’s limo. “The ice cream bars are going to melt before we get back to the hotel at this rate.”

He stuck his head out the window. “HEY!” he yelled at two demons walking down the sidewalk. “What’s with the hold-up?”

“There’s a fucking snake in the road, blocking two lanes of traffic. No one can drive over it because there’s a psychotic little black spider with a bunch of guns aiming that at anyone who gets too close. People are having to drive up onto the sidewalk to get around it.”

“... A... little... black... spider... and a snake...” Angel said slowly.

A few moments, he was dodging his way through traffic, followed by Charlie and Vaggie. They’d left Razzle back at the limo, but Dazzle was with them.

“Niss!” Angel shouted, finally breaking through the cars to see his sweating, ragged brother. Arackniss aimed the guns at his brother for a moment before realizing he knew who was running towards them. “What in the nine circles is going on here?”

“Pent and I had a fight so he got out of the stupid car and laid down in the road, and now he’s laying eggs so I can’t move him.”

“He’s... doing... WHAT?”

“It’s a long story involving succubus blood and what should have just been one kinky night, okay? We made a little mistake.”

“That’s a pretty big mistake!” Angel argued back.

“Forget about that now,” Charlie shouted. “Vaggie, Angel, each of you take an arm. Um... and you are...”

“Arackniss.”

“Arackniss, right, you get the tail. I’ll catch any eggs that come out while you’re moving him and get the ones that are already in the street. ”

“I will not settle for this humiliating treatment!” Pentious snarled, trying to keep them from lifting him.

“How is this more humiliating than giving birth in the middle of the road?” Arackniss shouted back. “Get him into my car, put him in the back seat.”

“You drive, brother, I’ll stay back here and catch.”

“I do not want you touching me in... that way!”

“Too bad you don’t get a choice! Charlie, get in the front passenger seat, Razzle can get in back with me,” he called to her. She had an egg in each hand, as so far, the count of eggs was two. “Vaggie, get back to the limo and help Dazzle drive it home to drop off the groceries, then meet us at central hospital.”

By the time they reached the hospital, however, the main event was over and the snake was more than ready to just go home. A total of four eggs lay wrapped in a blanket. It took quite a bit of poking and prodding to get him to go inside for an examination.

“I don’t get why I have to stay in the hospital,” the angry snake argued from the hospital bed, arms crossed. “The eggs are out. I’m done.” He didn’t like the IVs, didn’t like the oxygen and heart monitor on his hand. He especially didn’t like the hospital gown.

“They’re holding you overnight for observation to make sure there aren’t any complications.” Arackniss said with a deep sigh.

“Does this mean I’m going to be an uncle?” Angel asked, eyes shining.

“No. They’re hell eggs. Hell eggs don’t hatch.”

“What are you going to do with them, then?”

“What do you think he’s going to do with them?”

“... You are not letting him turn his own eggs into Egg Bois, are you??”

“Go ahead and try to stop him.”


End file.
